How Motherhood Healed My Mother-Wound

The MotherHood: Vulnerable Stories from Powerful Mothers

How Motherhood Healed My Mother-Wound

Written by Cayla J. Esteban

I've heard it said that we are defined by our past pain, and this is definitely true in my own life. The driving force behind my passions, my fears, even my business, is my mother-wound. My mom died when I was two years old and ever since then, so many of my life choices have been a reaction to that loss. Even before I had kids I very much had a maternal vibe about me. For years, even in high school, people have been telling me that I would "make a good mom." I believe this was an attempt to give others the "mothering" they were missing (because I was missing it myself). After becoming a mom, I built a business as a biblical naturopathic doctor specializing in health for moms, focusing on fertility, pregnancy, and helping other moms be their healthiest selves while taking care of their families.

But a lot of the reasoning behind my actions went mostly under the radar for a long time because I had completely shut down my grief for many years. It was just too painful of a wound to take up any space in my conscious mind and heart so I ran away from it. I never would've guessed that the birth of my own daughter would be the catalyst that would finally allow me to open up enough to really grieve and heal.

In the summer of 2021 I became a mom for the first time when my beautiful baby girl was born. For as long as I could remember I had told myself that if I ever had a daughter I would name her Elizabeth. I wanted to name her after my mom. I loved my baby girl and I was so happy to be her mom but I had a rough postpartum transition and I was really struggling (but that's a whole other story). Not long after she was born, I got an unexpected baby gift from my mom's best friend from childhood. I had never met her before but she was still in contact with my dad and had heard about my having a baby through him. When I called her to say thank you, it sparked a conversation about my mom that brought up emotions I had never allowed myself to feel before.

My mom had died when I was two years old from an ectopic pregnancy, which is where the embryo gets stuck in the fallopian tube instead of properly implanting in the uterus. If it's untreated over time the fallopian tube ruptures and internal bleeding begins. For many women, this is easily treated in a hospital, but at the time my parents were working as Bible translators in the mountains of the Philippines and needed a helicopter to evacuate her. She just didn't make it to the hospital in time.

Less than a year and a half later my dad remarried. And I'm so grateful that my dad's second wife adopted me and raised me, but it was also just a lot to process for me being such a little girl. My daughter is now a little older than I was when I lost my mom, and she doesn't yet understand the concept of death. She understands that sometimes her mommy needs to leave for a little bit, but her mommy always comes back. So for me to lose one mom, not understanding why she couldn't come back, and then to be told I was getting a new mom so suddenly was a big mix of emotions that I didn't know what to do with.

So for a very long time I shut down almost all thoughts, feelings and conversations about my mom. If she came up in conversation with someone else I would change the subject as quickly as I could. But that conversation with my mom's best friend after my daughter was born was like a little chip in the armor I had put around my heart. It allowed me to ask questions and feel curious. It also allowed me to start grieving.

Being a biblical naturopathic doctor, I started working through my grief using holistic techniques. And as I went through the process I realized how much my mother-wound was contributing to health conditions I had, some of them were chronic that I had been experiencing symptoms of for years. Some were affecting my ability to be a mother to my own kids. Being able to release the grief from my body was allowing space to heal, and those symptoms were going away. Besides working on removing those trapped emotions, I've also been doing inner child work and re-parenting the little girl version of me that didn't know how to process the loss of her mom.

The best part of my healing process is the conversations I've been able to have with people about my mom. Because I didn't remember or feel like I knew her, I also felt like there was a part of myself that I didn't know. I knew the parts of me that I inherited from my dad, because I could see them in my interactions with him. But my mom (and the other half of me) felt like a mystery. So in order to get to know myself better and to make sense of my subconscious memories of losing my mom, I needed to be a bit of a detective. My dad told me the story of what happened when she died and everything that he did to take care of us in the months that followed to fill in the gaps of my memory. I talked with a friend of hers who had worked closely with her in the Philippines to tell me stories of what she was like when she was taking care of me as a baby and toddler. My uncle told me stories of growing up with her and the kind of person she was.

What I found out in my "research" was that my mom was an incredible woman. She was a loving and devoted mother. She was kind and patient with others. She was open and curious, willing to try new things. She cared about other people and always wanted to be in the center of things, making friends with people as she went. She was intelligent and was an advocate for the education of students. There is a library in the town where she worked in the Philippines that is dedicated to her because of the work she did to support children's literacy in that town. She was very brave and adventurous, living in multiple countries and at one time was part of the Army reserves. She had a strong faith, and was passionate to share it with others. Everyone I talked with could only gush with good things about her.

The one thing no one needed to tell me was how much she loved me. Without any conscious memories, my body still remembers that feeling of being loved and cared for by her. Just like my body carried the grief and loss for all these years, it has still held on to that feeling of being loved.

Even though I trust that there is a purpose and plan to everything that has happened to me in my life, there is also a part of me that wonders how my life would've been if she was still alive. I think about the important moments of my life like my wedding day and the birth of my two children and wish she could've been there. I think of the questions I would've asked her about becoming a mom and the advice she could've given me. My adopted mom has been very helpful and supportive during my transition into motherhood, but she joined our family when I was three and my brother was seven. She never experienced giving birth to a baby and postpartum recovery, breastfeeding, night wakings, potty training, and all the challenges that come with raising babies and toddlers. It just makes me wonder how things would've been different. Would I have had such a challenging first postpartum experience?

I still ask myself these questions but I know I need to let go of the answers, otherwise it will drive me crazy. Even though I don't have my mom's physical presence with me, I still feel her spirit watching over me. And now that I know more about who she was and how she acted, I use her life as an inspiration to me when I don't know what to do.

She has taught me to be more patient and peaceful when I am frustrated by life's challenges. Her response to difficulties that were beyond her control was to make the best of it and have a positive attitude. I've learned from her to be more curious and compassionate toward other people. She had a great way of bringing people out of their shell with her openness and vulnerability. She had a gift of being an amazing mom and she inspires me to be the best mom I can be for my own children. If I accomplish nothing else in my life, I hope that my children feel as much love from me as I did from her.

Thank you, reader, for allowing me to share this story and honor my mom's life.

And thank you, Mama, for giving me life, for loving me, and for teaching me how to be a mom.

Cayla J Esteban is a biblical naturopathic doctor at SOZO Holistic Healing, specializing in health for moms and babies in mind, body, and spirit. She combines natural and herbal remedies, lay counseling and faith healing to remove trapped emotions, re-balance the body, and renew the spirit. When she's not with a client, she's usually home with her two sweet littles and husband of almost 5 years.

You can connect with her at: www.sozoholistic.com