The Gift of Infertility

The MotherHood: Vulnerable Stories from Powerful Mothers

The Gift of Infertility

Written by Elizabeth Shafer

I can remember being preschool aged and stuffing our blue and round couch pillows under my shirt and standing in the mirror staring at my profile while stroking my “pregnant” stomach dreaming of the day when I would actually be pregnant. I am the middle of five kids so the idea that I would one day be diagnosed as infertile never entered my mind. I remember thinking, “When I am 19, I will get married and by 25, I will have my 3 boys and 1 girl.” All I dreamed of was being a wife and a mom because in my head that meant that I was successful and I had arrived. I had a warped mindset that women of value got married and made babies. I didn’t know until much later that my lack of self worth  was the main driving force behind my desire to be a wife and a mom. The process of learning this reality was difficult and extremely painful, but thankfully extremely liberating on the other side.

You can imagine my disappointment when the years passed and I was one of the last of my friends to get married when I was 26. I felt SO old.  In January of 2009, at 28 years old, I went off birth control pills, so excited that I would finally be a mom before I turned 30.  I was a few years behind, but MY plan was coming to fruition and I couldn’t be more excited. I immediately began calculating my cycle, taking prenatal vitamins, and much to Jason’s enjoyment, would passionately “pursue” him about a week a month.

The week after Thanksgiving I had a doctor’s appointment with my OBYGN to get blood work done and look into why we weren’t getting pregnant and on December 2nd 2009, the nurse called to tell me that we were pregnant. I remember Jason was sitting by me on the couch when I got the call and I squeezed his leg so hard that he thought something was wrong. I hung up the phone and started jumping up and down. I couldn’t believe it! Our time had come!

The following week I started spotting. I called the nurse and she said it was common early on but that they would like to do some blood work. This began a series of blood work and ultra sounds every couple of days until on Christmas Eve a P.A. friend of mine ran my blood work and confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying. The depth of disappointment was so deep that I curled into a ball and just sobbed. After almost a year, I got pregnant, just to lose the baby. It just seemed so unfair and mean.

Once the holidays passed I called to talk to my doctor and he informed me that the blood work that they ran confirmed that I had PCOS. (Polycystic ovary syndrome is a hormonal disorder common among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods or excess male hormone (androgen) levels. The ovaries may develop numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) and fail to regularly release eggs). He then said words that stopped me in my tracks, “PCOS is the leading cause of infertility”.

I vividly remember it like it was yesterday, I was sitting in the car, parked in our garage during this phone call and when I hung up my entire being filled with anger. I said out loud to God, “I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant, I did, and then lost the baby?! Where are you?”.

I did not want to have a D&C (Dilation and curettage) so I waited for the baby to pass naturally. Little did I know that it would take over 2 months for this to happen. So, right before I turned 30, I officially passed the baby. Not the way I planned or envisioned for how my 30th year would begin.

Over the course of the next three years I went through a lot of phases emotionally, physically, spiritually, and mentally. I believe with my entire being that we have the power to choose our responses to situations and what we choose can radically change our lives from the inside out.

Soon after my miscarriage I found myself with the motivation to get healthy. I decided to sign up for my first half marathon, thinking if I got healthy, then I’d get pregnant. So, five months after I registered, I was in Orange County for my first half marathon. Which began a series of three years with a half marathon every June. My empty womb and I crossed that finish line every time. Even though I did what the Dr. said, which was to get active because that is the best way to reverse PCOS, I did not reverse my PCOS.

In August of 2010, Jason and I decided to try Clomid (oral medication that can be used to stimulate ovulation).   I knew from the minute that I was diagnosed that fertility treatments were not the way for us to expand our family. Although, science is amazing and it works regularly for other couples, but I had personal convictions because of the way I am wired. For me, fertility treatments are just another avenue for me to try and control what is out of my hands completely.

Six rounds are the max amount that women should be on Clomid before giving her body a break from all of the hormones. The success rate is great, so even though I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not supposed to be taking Clomid, I felt optimistic. The hormones wreaked havoc on my body, my marriage, and my heart. Month after month for 6 months it was blood work and then negative pregnancy tests. Sex was mechanical, my heart and mind were mush, and the side effects of the Clomid left me with the symptoms of pregnancy for the greater part of the months.

In the final month of Clomid, my heart was broken. I couldn’t make myself pregnant and that crushed me. I was away on a work trip and I got a message on Facebook asking me if Jason and I would be willing to meet a woman who was interested in giving her baby up for adoption. My heart leaped. The response felt so strange to me because in the same weekend of mourning Clomid not working, my heart leaped at the thought of adopting. I realized that weekend that I just wanted to be a mom and it didn’t matter how it happened.  It ended up that the prospective birth mom changed her mind, but that seed was planted. I got home from that trip and within a few weeks we were signed up for an orientation with the county to foster to adopt.

Our orientation was in March of 2011, and on October 26, 2011 we picked up our first son, Weiland when he was 1 week old. It was record fast and we were not prepared for how parenting was going to rock our world. Even though we finally had a baby in our home, none of my deep rooted insecurities were dealt with. I felt insecure on Mother’s Day, I felt like a fraud. I felt like I was playing pretend because I didn’t go through carrying him, delivering him, and breast feeding him. I believed that I was a “Plan B” mom and I forced it to happen. The lie that I  believed that I was still broken and less than because my body didn’t work the way it was “supposed” to was a constant battle.

I continued to carry my insecurities into my parenting and marriage and both suffered extensively.  My poor husband had to love me enough for the both of us which was never enough. I was a “mom” now, but still felt so alone and isolated because I didn’t have labor and delivery stories and my son didn’t even share my same skin color.

Still not dealing with my deep rooted insecurities, I chose to continue to ignore what I felt in my spirit, and pursue more fertility treatments. This time much more invasive including injections in my stomach. My 5th month on them I dropped six healthy eggs. The specialist called me in to ask if I wanted her to remove any of my eggs, because we needed to plan on multiples. We confidently told her to leave what’s there, there. So she had me bend down, gave me an injection to force ovulation, told me to go home and find Jason, and then sent me on my way. Much to the doctor’s surprise, not one of Jason’s millions made eye contact. I WAS CRUSHED! I didn’t get out of bed for two days and I only got out of bed after that because I had a pre-paid for real estate license exam that I couldn’t miss. I was so broken. Little did I know the heart surgery that was in store for me in the next four days.

I remember feeling so desperate for God to meet me in my depth of loss and sadness that I intentionally chose Pandora for my two hour drive because I wanted Him to be my Deejay.  You can believe what you want, but that day, the Divine chose the songs that played. All of them talking about Him being good and God in the midst of pain and hardship. I remember singing at the top of my lungs while tears were rolling down my face.

About half way through the drive I got a very clear image. This sounds so creepy, but just trust me, it wasn’t creepy. It was so powerful and life changing. In this picture that came to me I saw all of these floating heads. Don’t tune me out! :) They were all ages, ethnicities, and genders. Just their faces floating all around me looking in my eyes. Then God whispered in my soul, “You still have more kids out there that you need to adopt”. My tears started drying up as I was thinking about the thousands of kids that need good homes that have already been born. As, I am thinking about those faces, what God spoke next floored me. But you have to understand some context before I get into what He said next. Growing up my dad always told me, “Elizabeth, you bring life into a room. The whole room brightens when you walk into it.” Fast forward to this moment in the car. God said, “Elizabeth, you are not infertile. You bring life into a room. You are so fertile that you bring life out of dead people.” The F Bomb flew out of my mouth at a loud volume. It was one of the few times that I knew that God spoke. I said out loud, “I am not infertile!” I realized the one of the most painful parts of the infertility journey for me was that I felt less than, broken, and a waste of space as a woman. I believe that God addressed my insecurities head on. I knew from that moment on that this was the path that He had for me with such intention and purpose, BUT, I had to choose to see it and follow it.

That Tuesday evening after my exam, which I passed by the way :), I went home with more hope, joy, and peace than I had experienced in years. I confidently told Jason that our journey with adopting through the foster care system was not over, but finally got it through my head that fertility treatments were.

Today, we are done with our family building stage. In November of 2023, we finalized the adoption of our final child. A sweet and so very spicy girl, A’raya Jane. We have three children that we adopted, and I wouldn’t change them for the world. If kids were bought from a store, these are the three that I would knock down Black Friday lines for. Weiland, Martie, and A’raya. My greatest gifts of infertility.

Elizabeth Shafer is a mindset and confidence coach for women and teens and the founder of Tandem Life Coach. She is passionate about using her identity and voice to come alongside brave souls and helping them discover their inner greatness. She and her husband have fostered nine children and adopted three of them.